I hate bikes

So it's Thursday, my one hall pass during the work-week to go play bikes with cardio-hooligans at the speedway. I can't complain. Ali gets zero hall passes.
But there's 2 races to go in the NHMS B series and I'm sitting at 55 points with the leader at 60. 7 points go to the top scorer on any given night, 6 for second, etc. So I'm close enough to care a bit and the end is close enough that's it crunch time. I can beat the leader one on one. We've seen some strong riders come in from time to time who are better than any of us, but the scoring is such that you can't win the series without showing up and scoring a few points at most races.
So this morning when I go to take the stock wheel off my Cervelo R2 (I use the stock wheel on the trainer) the derailleur goes with it-- hanger snapped. I thought it looked extra-flexy when I was clamping down the wheel  before the trainer. I don't recall any knocks or bumps. Odd to have an unnoticed, slow, cumulataive failure when the shop had just put Di2 on there like 2 weeks ago. But the Cervelo hanger and dropout design are made for Gerard Vroomen's ideal bicycle world which differs slightly from Erik's 32 year-old, Cat 5, in and out of the back of a Honda, full-time employee and father reality. I think an Emonda ALR, Allez Comp, or even just a bike diamond cut out from billet aluminum would be more suitable the way my life has been lately.
I spent my commute and the part of the morning bordering on arrival that can be rationalized as "settling in" thinking exclusively about how I will race tonight. I hit up Sunapee teammates on Slack who helped me to multiply the already large number of possible solutions and constraints. That's the thing about bicycle hardware, an exponential number of possible solutions and reasons why they won't work. First I made a list of shops to call for derailleur hangers. This is a futile game since every 10th frame design brilliantly reinvents the concept of the derailleur hanger, hence the website derailleurhanger.com.
This isn't my first experience with derailleurhanger.com by the way. A couple years ago with 1 lap to go on day 1 of 2 of the Verge Northhampton International Cyclocross festival a fellow hooligan drove his front wheel into my derailleur, the hanger of which functioned perfectly. It snapped. Thus saving my crappy frame and my shimano 105 derailleur from damage and leaving me with a full lap to go, and an immobilized bicycle, over 100 miles from home, the fastest replacement part in an e-commerce distribution facility in Colorado, and a non-refundable race registration for the next day. So as racers overtook me in my weakness and I shoulder-ran my 42 pound Nashbar a half-mile the announcer dutifully heckled over the loudspeaker, "Have you ever heard of derailleurhanger.com? That's de-rail-leur hanger DOT COM." So I promptly ordered two derailleur hangers for my Nashbar Cyclocross 105 (Guttersnipe) and would later order a spare with my next CX bike, neglecting (of course) the pristine Cervelo R2.
Anyway at work I kept thinking I probably can just try to get home with an extra 15 minutes and do a tire change and then get to the track. The way the standing are, it seems like there's virtually no way I'm losing ground and I even stand to take the lead or advance if I can just get there and race. I got to work late today (new baby-drop-off schedule) so I hate to duck out early, but I sneak out a solid half an hour before I should anyway and feel all sorts of guilt. I answer late-afternoon emails outbound on East Hollis Street deleting the "Sent from my iPhone" to cover the tracks of my truency. I left my office light on and a empty yogurt container so that it would look like I was still there. I get to Exit 12N off I-93 by 4:30PM and roll into the shop shortly after.
I happened to run into Patrick walking in and say "what's up" really casually like everything is great. I hold the door for him and he promptly neutralizes the first available staffer with remeniscence. I was in a rush. I asked the second available staffer about the derailleur hanger but honestly no sane bike shop stocks 1,000 different kinds of derailleur hangers. So I ordered 2 from the aforementioned e-commerce retailer and moved on to thinking I would just put some slicks on Guttersnipe with its 46-36 x 28-11 gearing. Torin LaLiberte helped convince me that I didn't need much bigger than a 46x11 anyway-- it's a plenty fast gear on a flat like the Road Course finish. Still, I couldn't not try for something even more optimal than my heavy-ass Guttersnipe. So I asked the second-available staffer for a 110 BCD narrow-wide chainring bigger than 42t. I was thinking I would fit a bigger ring onto my much nicer Trek Cockett (which I call "Satchmo" because it's really good at one thing and pretty OK at another). My chainring request was at least as ridiculous as my derailleur request. If they stocked either, it would be very unwise.
So I got home and peeled the tubeless Specialized Trigger 38mm diamond tread tire off of Guttersnipe's Stan's NoTubes Iron Cross rims, coating my hands and the rim itself with greasy sealant. At this point I was reminded that the Stan's rim is only rated to 45 psi. A true CX/high volume specific rim. Great. Well, that's OK because I just got this great new Ksyrium Allroad Pro Disc wheelset for Satchmo. So I started trying to figure out how to convert those to Quick Release in order to get them on Guttersnipe. There are a few cover plates that come off with a pin wrench and a flathead, but that only buys you the ability to remove the thru-axle housing from the bearings. So then you're looking at a quick-release skewer and a nearly 2 cm clearance <<insert crude thowing-a-hotdog-down-a-hallway joke>>. Well, that wasn't happening in the time alloted. So I figured I'd race Satchmo with the Ksyrium Allroad wheels and some road slicks. So I fought with a pair of 25mm Continental Not-GP4000's until I gave up. My hands were greasy, the wheels were super-tight, and I was out of time. Now queue the swarm of black flies. When you prioritize riding over lawncare and mow your overgrown grass between rainstorms you can get clods of moldy grass pulp that breed blackflies and it comes back to bite you. Literally. So I decided maybe Mavic's own tire combination (Ksyrium-Yksion) which I had written off as obviously-not-optimal-because-not-thought-of-by-me might slip on easier. They obviously did. So I pumped them up, ran into the house, jumped into my Sunapee kit, stuffed a water bottle in the back pocket because I didn't have time to mount a bottle-cage, loaded the bike into the car, and took off. It was 5:55. It takes 20+ minutes to get to the Speedway from Concord and rollout is at 6:00. All the while I had been thinking, "can I get Ryan Zelinski to cause a diversion?"
Sorry Ryan, I know you would, and I know you'd love to, but it wouldn't be fair.